


Weight of Regret

by TheMulletWhisperer



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Endgame, F/F, Injury, Regret, Renegade Shepard (Mass Effect), Sad Ending, Self-Reflection, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-19
Updated: 2018-11-19
Packaged: 2019-08-25 22:36:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 697
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16669660
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheMulletWhisperer/pseuds/TheMulletWhisperer
Summary: As Shepard stands on the horizon as the savior of the galaxy, she reflects on her past.





	Weight of Regret

The handgun hung from Shepard’s fingertips, dangling limply from her hand. The air in the Crucible was shockingly fresh, cool and crisp. It was peaceful, even as the battle raged outside. The screams of the Reaper lasers, the impacts of the Alliance’s slugs. It all felt a million miles away as she stood on that catwalk, her choices presented before her.

On the reflective metal of the dark room reflected the harsh glow of her implant rejection, orange mingling with the crimson that ran in a stream from her gut. Her armor was torn, the sleeves tattered and the plate melded shut around her. A shell. A fitting word.

Kirov breathed deep through her nose, fighting the pain of her shattered ribs and pierced lung. Maybe she could make it out. Maybe she could make it, maybe she could pierce that fuel cell and bring an end to the scourge once and for all. Maybe they’d recover her body, send her back to Earth and make her an Admiral for her bravery.

_Damn it, Ash!_

But she wasn’t certain she wanted that. The shot rung in her ears. Her old friend doubled over bleeding out on that Citadel platform.

_Stop me if you must._

The green blood that painted the walls of that elevator as her bullet ripped through his body. The well-meaning scientist, atoning.

_I know what you did._

The shots rung from behind, sending him through the window and to his death on the pavement below. The unstoppable warlord, hoping.

_She is the true mother of Tuchanka._

The scent of burning flesh filled the air as her body caught flame. The last true hope, failing.

_Belay that order!_

The warhead shook the Normandy as they broke atmosphere. The reckless soldier, sacrificing.

She looked down at her handgun, tightening her grip around the rubber and placing her finger on the trigger as she scanned through her options again. Control them, become the god she’d so often played. Merge them, create a future for all. Destroy them, end millions to save billions.

The past danced her head, the blood she’d spilled and the friends she’d stabbed in the back. Ashley, Samara, Kaidan, Wrex, Mordin, and so many more she’d never known. As she’d pulled the trigger on those begging for their lives or given that final push off the ledge, she’d felt nothing.

Her whole life she’d witnessed the same, became callous to it and began mimicking it. She’d known her conscience had died a long time ago, that day she’d sent hundreds of men to their deaths on Torfan. But now, as she stood on the precipice of the most important decision in the galaxy, it all fell from where it had been hidden.

Where once she’d seen vengeance she now saw regret. Four years of fighting, killing and dying. For a time Kelly had held her through it all, but Kelly wasn’t there, not anymore. Hunted by Cerberus and forced off the grid. Shepard wished she could see her one more time, sit with her on that couch and sleep through it all.

There was no escaping from her choice, the decision that would change it all in moments. The child who’d died in that shuttle crash spoke to her from behind, perhaps some manifestation of her guilt. But she felt none for that failure. She felt none for the thousands who died every second she delayed.

Her soul sank as she thought of Mordin, bleeding out in that elevator. Wrex, betrayed in his last moments by his friend. Ashley, taking a stand as she’d been taught and punished by her teacher. Samara, begging for her help in the moments before Jane had pushed her to the ground and watched as her own daughter had crushed her .

She took a deep breath, glancing out the window at the ensuing battle, the cruisers and dreadnaughts breaking apart under the assault.

And that’s how it belonged.

She levelled the barrel against her temple, shutting her eyes and basking in the orange glow of her rejection for the final time as she left the galaxy to fall as it deserved, right alongside her.

 

_Stop me if you must._

**Author's Note:**

> I replayed the trilogy these past couple of weeks as a full Renegade and I just kinda had to do this.


End file.
